My Story

How I became a Sex and Dating Coach

Not so long ago, I was facing a situation you might relate to…

I was accomplished professionally, enjoyed financial independence, and had a robust community of close friends… But I’d only been on a handful of dates in my life. I felt undesirable and unattractive… broken and defective – and I was convinced none of it would ever change.

The sadness and pain I felt at rarely being touched and at never experiencing romantic intimacy became harder and harder to endure.

Sometimes I blamed my body for being too much or not enough of something. Sometimes I blamed myself for being bad at flirting. And sometimes I convinced myself it was because I was too boring. I believed the story in my head that something was fundamentally wrong with me, and that I was a hopeless case.

I tried for years to shift this narrative through talk therapy, but that never seemed to move the needle. Finally, it dawned on me…I’m a smart person, if I could solve this thing with intellect alone, I would’ve already done it. I knew if I had any chance of tackling it, it was going to take more than talk therapy. 

So, I took a big chance, and began working with an intimacy coach and somatic bodyworker. It was a scary step that took me weeks to tell anyone about.

As a former Catholic schoolgirl from Kentucky, I was stepping way outside the bounds of what was considered normal and acceptable for my family. But I knew it was the kind of support I needed if I was ever going to turn this part of my life around.

It was life changing. Through that work, I learned to reset my body image issues, confidently tap into my sexy side, and approach dating and sex with greater ease and enjoyment. 

Today I have deeply connected, intimate relationships, and sexy casual experiences that I never thought would be possible for me. I’ve delved into my fantasy life and explored what I like in real life and what isn’t for me. I’ve discovered kink fuels my eroticism and nonmonogamy feels most natural for me. And, I’ve gained the communication skills needed to navigate both those things.

Along the way, I realized I’d lost my passion for my former profession. My passion had shifted to one place – the exploration of dating, sexuality and relationship dynamics.

I’d been working in international humanitarian relief and development for 25 years, so I had no idea what to do next. I knew I wanted to continue doing meaningful work, but what?

One day a friend suggested, “Why don’t you become a dating coach?  You date with confidence, you’re non-judgmental, you are smart, analytical and direct, but compassionate.”

That struck something deep and true within me. But it wasn’t quite enough. I didn’t want to be just a dating coach. I wanted to be a sex and dating coach.

My own challenges around dating were so enmeshed with my body image and feelings about my sexuality that a traditional dating coach wouldn’t have been the right fit for me.

Today, I work with people interested in getting better at dating and with folks seeking to create more satisfying sex lives, whether they’re single or partnered.

I go beyond the tactics and strategies for “writing the perfect dating profile” and other scaffolding most coaches do. We can certainly do some of that, but I spend more time helping people deconstruct the mental and emotional blocks that keep them from finding fulfillment in dating and in intimacy.  

We examine the stories you’ve told yourself, the early wounds and challenges you endured, and the patterns you created to deal with them. Then we establish new patterns through experiences we share together in the coaching space. 

Even with all of the work I’ve done these last years, the pain hasn’t gone away for me completely.  The unworthiness story still exists in my head and it comes back to haunt me in times of stress. But it has shifted dramatically. I now have the tools to be resilient when those stories do creep in.  

And, it no longer holds me back from having the kinds of sex and relationships I yearned for all those years ago – ones that are romantic, sexy, challenging, and fun. In fact, I just started living with my main sweetie – the first time I’ve ever lived with a romantic partner! I didn’t think it was possible for me, but it is.  And it’s possible for you too.